Turkey Stampede 2014

"Anyone can run a Turkey Trot. It takes a real Kevin J. Kilmer to run a Turkey STAMPEDE." – Mark Remy

"I don't know who Mark Remy is, dad." -- Katelyn Kilmer

The day is done.

The ham loaf dad pressed into the shape of a turkey has been put away. The green bean casserole remnants have been scraped from the sides of the baking dish. The pie has been eaten. 

And now I have to figure out how to report on today's race.

I had three goals for this morning's race: First to show up. That may sound silly, but it wasn't a given. Second was to finish. And the third was to finish in under than an hour.

This is my only race of 2014. With the dramatic increase in weight I had when first addressing my eating disorder, I wasn't sure I'd get one in this year. I've kept active throughout the year, yes, but I've not pushed it and I've not been consistent.  When I decided to run this race, I had less than nine weeks and was well over 300 pounds. Still am, and not just because of turkey day. The point I'm belaboring is I didn't think this would happen today. But it did.

My daughters and I arrived at the gym around 7:45 with plenty of time to mill about, make small talk, and what not.  The Stampede always has a great DJ and the songs were energetic. I was all smiles from the moment I arrived. I won't admit to dancing to the tunes, but I won't deny it either. Goal one accomplished.

Soon enough we made our way to the starting area. This race has about 2000 participants from the truly nationally elite to the duffer like me.  The 10K runners lined up and were on their way. Then came time for the rest of us, about 1700, to fill the street and ignore all the pre-race instructions.  We were to find our pace group with the walkers lining up behind the runners. Ha. Like that ever happens.

I tried to make my way to my pace group, aptly named "Don't know/Don't care" but it was so crowded I didn't make it past the 7 minute mile group before the countdown began. Oops! Well, truth be told, just about everyone 15 feet ahead, behind and all around were walkers so no harm done by me. 

And then we were off.

My oldest daughter is still recovering from an injury last summer. Broken toes. She missed most of her cross country season and her coach had told her to rest until winter training for track started in January. None of her xcountry friends wanted to walk the course with her, so she opted to walk beside me as I ran.  Since my pace is a 15 minute mile, she could easily keep up with a brisk walk. And this is the first time I had constant company during a race. Bonus!

I planned to run this race with reps of 3 minute runs followed by 2 minute walks. We headed off to downtown, turned north then northwest, crossing over a bridge then a big loop in the historic residential area of Elkhart. 

Honestly there isn't much to report about the race it self.  There was a light snow which quickly got stamped into a slick surface so I was constantly watching my step. The crowd quickly thinned around me as the runners moved a head, though the walkers did pass me throughout the course. I'm used to it. Thankfully only a few were clueless. I must say, though, that there better be a special place in hell for people who bring their dogs to a race on a 25 foot retractable leash and let the animal run wherever it wants.  That made me mad.

I kept to my run ratio though there were times I thought I needed to walk longer. Kate wouldn't hear of it. She kept talking about a gut check and other "tricks of the trade" from xcountry. She was my coach and my cheerleader. We talked during the walks and she encouraged during the runs. Quite often I was surprised how quickly the running sets went! I was so happy to have my daughter along. That alone made this race special.

Too soon we found ourselves back downtown and in the home stretch.  I'd promised Kate that I'd push my pace to my limit once the finish line was in sight and I made good on that. I "sprinted" the last 300 yards to the finish line. I passed a walker in the last 2 feet. Goal 2 accomplished.

I checked my watch. 51:18. Goal 3 accomplished.

And I felt good.  Damn good. 

I ran a Turkey STAMPEDE.

Madi, daughter number 2, had run well ahead of me and was cheering me on at the end, though I did not hear her.  Later she told me she had been standing by some spectators that had been making very judgmental and disparaging remarks on several of the runners. She was ready to make a scene if there were comments about the fat man running. Comments such as this has happened before.  More than once. I'm glad to say, though, that she did not need to be my champion in this sense. Nor did I hear anything on the course, though I'm sure Kate was also ready to share words if there had been.

We made our way back to the gym just to see who might still be about. People don't tend to hang around at this race as most want to get back to be with friends and family, so we didn't really find anyone we knew. We quickly came to the same decision as those before us and left to get home.

We did not wait in line for bananas.

It was a great run.

Here are my stats:

Time: 51:18

Lap 1: 16:45

Lap 2: 17:52

Lap 3: 16:30

Average pace: 17:00

Best pace: 9:50

Not the most impressive by most of my runner friends' experience but a damn sight better than I thought I could do.

In Brief

• Started Couch to 5K again. And lovin' it.
• Feelin' better and better
• It's getting easier to realize when I'm full, but still have a long way to go.
• Sometimes I wear a hat.

The post where I talk about things

So, the last time I stopped by the stable and left a note was at the beginning of March. That sounds about right.  That's when it got really bad.

Folks, this BED thing is a nice answer to all the shit that hasn't worked the last 30 years.  It explains the uncontrollable feeding frenzies. The shame eating. The self loathing.  It validates that I have a true eating disorder with several paths to treatment.  This diagnosis has been a nice answer to the past.  But answering the past doesn't take a damn thing away from dealing with it in the present.

And it doesn't exist alone.  It is a thread woven into my tapestry, along with so many joys and sorrows and strengths and weaknesses.

If you've followed me from the first incarnation of this blog, it will come as no surprise that I have been grappling with a major depressive episode.  It won't surprise you, but it surprised me.

I thought I was just stressed out.

I still haven't figured out what, if anything, happened to trigger this episode.  My guess is....no one thing.

A lot of shit has gone on in the last few years.  Probably no more than several people. But I've learned that it isn't fair to me to compare my woes and sorrows against those of others. Because my woes and sorrows are unlike any others and it's up to me to deal with them, not dismiss them.

Anyway.

Some of what I've been through, I shared over at TJC 1.0, especially as it concerns my wife.  Couple that with my own journey through the "medically supervised rapid weightloss" program and the resulting eating disorder, my own demons to fight, and the unrelenting stress that is work, life, and everything.  It simply got to the point where I was done.I could not deal with any more.

No more decisions.
No more answers
No more sharing.
No more problems.
No more ... just no more.

And it affected my life, my work and my health. It was all I could do to keep parts of myself free to share with my wife and kids.

And I had no idea I was in such a dark place.  It took an issue that I must be very vague about to bring me to this realization. One that could have resulted in a lot of problems for me and my family.

I'm still digging my way out of this hole.  I've been proactive in seeking help for several professionals. Meds have been changed and changed again.  And I'm feeling somewhat better.  Just writing this blog entry is evidence of this.

So all of this to say that I've not been around because life has been bad. But things are better. And I hope to be around the stable a bit more often.

Today is not 5 months ago

Yeah. It's been awhile. A LOT has gone on. Not all of it good. Not by a long shot.  And I'm not just talking about my weight/disorder/... I don't even know what to call it anymore.  And there's no way to sum up the last 5 months so I'll just say this:

Today is not 5 months ago.

As part of my therapy, I've been meeting with a nutritionist, M, who specializes in eating disorders. I have grown a lot in my understanding and acceptance while under her care.  Two weeks ago, I had to miss an appointment because of work. Instead, we had an email session.  

What comes below is my email I sent to M.  After I wrote it, I thought to myself that I had basically written a Jogging Clydesdale blog post. So, here it is, slightly edited....and there will more to come in the next few weeks if anyone's still out there.

April 25, 2014

M,

Well, having never written an email session, I'm not sure what to say.  I guess I'll start typing and see what comes out.

I've been on this new journey since November. I've had good and bad experiences, both in the realm of this disorder and in life in general.  And when I look back at the man I was and who I am now, I see myself more or less in a better place.

I no longer have a deep craving for all those foods that were denied when I was in the medically supervised "rapid" weightloss program and/or had outlawed before then.  I no longer think of particular foods in terms of morally bad or good (nutritionally I still do).  Having pasta, or ice cream, or popcorn now no longer is something special. Its not something I can eat now IF I start watching myself tomorrow.  What I eat is no longer a great source of stress.

How much I eat is a slightly different story. I still struggle at thinking "gosh, I'm a pig for eating this much".  Part of that comes with, I think, a disordered idea of what is normal portions.  Those thoughts pop in and, when I notice them, I force myself to check in. "Are you hungry?" And if the answer is yes, I continue and try not to judge myself by the quantity.

Similarly, I find myself late at night wandering through the kitchen taking a mental checklist of everything I ate during the day and making a judgement in if I deserve a late night snack.  Even though I have hunger pangs, do I deserve to have something if I "ate like a pig" during the day.  And I work hard at telling myself that I honor my hunger.

Before working on intuitive eating, I had no idea what hunger felt like anymore.  I ate when it was time to eat and stopped when the food was gone.  And that was the normal way to eat.  The binging was something different. I knew it was different but I didn't know what to call it.  Now I know the signals of hunger. When I have the option at work, I will take my lunch at either noon or one, depending on my cues.  Stopping when I am satisfied is still a problem and we've talked about strategies to relearn that skill.

But as far as binging goes, particularly the late night snacking,I have noticed that one granola bar will do. Not the whole box.  One banana will do, not a banana and half a box of cereal [cause the banana made it healthy ;^)  ] One "popperful" of popcorn will do. Not popcorn plus the granola bars plus the cereal and banana.

I did have a binge last Saturday. I struggled then and still do to get to root of why. I am guessing stress.  I had that daze, the feeling that I couldn't stop myself.  The amount wasn't too great, but the calories were shameful (in my disordered thoughts!). It ended when I said to myself "ride it out. it will eventually end" and you know what? after that bowl of mac and cheese I was preparing when I made that decision, that was the end of the binge.  I don't know if that was a good strategy or not, but it worked.

I still struggle, M, everyday with my size. The thought that I may always be this size is so disheartening. It keeps me from doing the things I want to do. Run. Tie my shoes. Sleep on my stomach. Wear normal and cheaper clothes.  Be photographed for a male model calendar. Ride a pony. Not break chairs. I struggle everyday to not hate myself.  And I struggle everyday to keep weightloss thoughts at bay.  I know that until I can, I won't fully overcome this disorder.  But it breaks my heart.

I am tired of my comfort foods. But pasta is cheap and nearly everything I know how to make is pasta based. I know that pasta is not evil or outlawed or "bad"...but eating similar foods day in and day out cannot be healthy. I can't be getting all my nutrients from some combination of noodle and tomato juice based sauce or Cream of X soup with a meat of some kind.  I don't know if your program will ever move into specific nutritional education but I could really use some variety.

The Jogging Clydesdale