It's been a rough week. I won't kid you.
The hardest aspect of my therapy to accept is that weight loss is no longer a goal. In order to heal and trust my eating choices again, I must let go of any thought of shedding pounds. Because to harbor any thoughts of doing so only feeds my disordered approach to eating. It means restricting calories, carbs, making some foods good and some foods bad. And it invites self judgement.
The first goal must be realigning my relationship to food. And I've made remarkable strides in this. When I am centered and mindful, I find a great deal of peace when I eat. I pay attention to my hunger and I honor it. And I eat what I feel hungry for with very little regard to what it is.
However...
It is normal for the first few months to gain a tremendous amount of weight as one de-restricts and legitimizes all the food one has avoided or decided was bad or out of bounds. And I still have a binge eating disorder. So you can easily guess how many of my evenings were filled with gorging. I had given myself permission to eat what I want, when I want and however much of it I wanted. Of course, I was also supposed to tie the When to align to my hunger cues and the However Much to satiety cues. But these are things that take practice. Especially for someone like me who has spent decades letting those cues atrophy.
All this to say that I have gained a considerable amount of weight. And as much as I feel I have made progress in the healing, the fact that my pants are tight and I can't tie my shoes as easily as I did just 4 months ago...well...it is disheartening.
I do feel shame and I could very easily fall into a punishment binge.
The only thing keeping from doing so is the practice I've done in eating when I'm hungry and stopping when I'm done. I noticed today that, as much as I want to binge, I trust my gut (literally) and it's telling me I'm not hungry so this urge is emotional. In fact, I just finished supper and am full. Any more and I would feel bloated and gorged. And I don't want to feel that way.
So, what's the takeaway from this rambling post? I think it's this. I am still dealing with a disorder. And I have made progress. And I am a good person.
