It's been a long journey since September. That's when I was first diagnosed with Binge Eating Disorder. And that was when I was turned away from the "rapid weight loss" program at the hospital. And, looking back, that was the right action though at the time it felt very much like a door slamming shut.
Since then I have been slowly, painfully relearning what it is to trust my own body's signals for hunger and satiety. I have been experimenting with eating foods that had been OFF LIMITS for years. And years and years and years. And I've been working with a wonderful Dietician certified in coaching Intuitive Eating.
Perhaps in some later posts I'll explore the minutia of Intuitive Eating (hereafter IE). But, for now and the next few posts, I want to talk about the baby steps I've made. I'd like to begin with:
Trust
Dieting is all about having no trust in yourself. Indeed dieting is explicitly teaching you that you cannot trust yourself...at all! Dieting is putting all of your trust in an external system. And, when you fail to measure up to that system's standards, dieting is the judge and jury of your weakness and failure. I was convinced I could not trust myself with these signals because they were contrary to "the plan" and therefore I must be wrong.
Now that I am getting away from dieting, I have been learning to trust my self. I am relearning what it means to have hunger and trust in the meaning of that feeling. It need not be feeling of being famished, but to pay attention to that first pang of an empty stomach. And relearning what it is to be full...to be satisfied.
These signals are completely atrophied in me. Hunger cues are easier, but I still find myself panicking when I get that first pang because I have 30 years of "Hunger=Bad". Satiety is much, much harder. I've never, ever, ever known what it is to stop at satisfied. I was taught to stop when my plate was clean. Stop when you've had your money's worth. Stop when you literally cannot stomach another bite.
People with Binge Eating Disorders, I've read, will struggle the most with these feelings of satisfaction. But I've had some limited success...
About a month ago, I was visiting friends in Kansas. They took me out to a Chinese Buffet...and I freaked out. I knew I was going to overeat and feel terrible physically and emotionally. I didn't want to go, but they are dear friends (and they were paying! :) ). And the most remarkable thing happened. I stopped. I had a small salad, a full plate of entrees and a second, much smaller serving of entrees. And I checked in and felt...peaceful. So I decided to stop. And I did not feel hungry the rest of the evening.
It isn't always that easy. Far from it. But I go back to that place in my mind when I need to check in and see where I'm at along the hunger-satiety spectrum.
Relearning trust is as good a place to start as anywhere. Indeed, trust was a constant theme throughout the "rapid weight loss" program. I did not trust myself. I still don't in a lot of ways. But it's coming along.
