Why 2.0?

What is this?

It's the second version of my online journaling.  You can visit version 1.0 if you want. Oh, and that's how I'll refer to it in this debut post.  

Why the change?

Because I changed. 1.0 was a multi year journey and I learned a lot.  But I've also had some life changing experiences in the span of just a few months.  I'm no longer on that journey that 1.0 set me on.  I needed a new stable to call home.

What changed?

I gave up dieting.  Seriously.  That changed everything. 1.0 was a deep exploration of what was going on inside as I struggled with my weight, my eating, my dieting, my life, and my emotional roller coaster in dealing with it all.

Yeah, but what changed really?

I was diagnosed with Binge Eating Disorder this fall.  And suddenly everything I was writing on 1.0 was...I don't know the right word.  Wrong? Mistaken? 

How do you mean?

I spent 4 years on a "medically supervised rapid weightloss" program. And I poured 4 years of trying to figure out just what the hell was going on.  I explored emotions and beliefs. And I shared it with my small readership.  But it was a failure.  The diet that is.  I tend to think of 1.0 as a success.  I did learn a lot about myself. 

So. If it was a "success," why abandon it?

Because it has too much history. One that I cherish, but one that I must walk away from if I'm going to move forward.

I don't understand.

I spent 4 effin' years on a "rapid" weightloss program. And you know what I learned? How to sneak food. How to feel guilty about food.  How to obsess about food. How to crave food. How to shame myself because of food. I spent 4 years berating myself and wishing I just had enough willpower to not give in, not eat, not crave and not live in shame.

But it did not work. Because instead of finding health, I developed an eating disorder. Basically, I'm bulimic without the vomiting. I was in a never ending cycle of self imposed starvation and out of control binging. It wreaked havoc on my body, my mind and my spirit.

I was done.  And 1.0 had to end because that is the end of that story.

What now?

I have no idea. I've been working with a both a conventional therapist and a nutritional therapist. I have gained back half of my lost weight. I eat what ever I want. 

And I am scared to death.