Today is not 5 months ago

Yeah. It's been awhile. A LOT has gone on. Not all of it good. Not by a long shot.  And I'm not just talking about my weight/disorder/... I don't even know what to call it anymore.  And there's no way to sum up the last 5 months so I'll just say this:

Today is not 5 months ago.

As part of my therapy, I've been meeting with a nutritionist, M, who specializes in eating disorders. I have grown a lot in my understanding and acceptance while under her care.  Two weeks ago, I had to miss an appointment because of work. Instead, we had an email session.  

What comes below is my email I sent to M.  After I wrote it, I thought to myself that I had basically written a Jogging Clydesdale blog post. So, here it is, slightly edited....and there will more to come in the next few weeks if anyone's still out there.

April 25, 2014

M,

Well, having never written an email session, I'm not sure what to say.  I guess I'll start typing and see what comes out.

I've been on this new journey since November. I've had good and bad experiences, both in the realm of this disorder and in life in general.  And when I look back at the man I was and who I am now, I see myself more or less in a better place.

I no longer have a deep craving for all those foods that were denied when I was in the medically supervised "rapid" weightloss program and/or had outlawed before then.  I no longer think of particular foods in terms of morally bad or good (nutritionally I still do).  Having pasta, or ice cream, or popcorn now no longer is something special. Its not something I can eat now IF I start watching myself tomorrow.  What I eat is no longer a great source of stress.

How much I eat is a slightly different story. I still struggle at thinking "gosh, I'm a pig for eating this much".  Part of that comes with, I think, a disordered idea of what is normal portions.  Those thoughts pop in and, when I notice them, I force myself to check in. "Are you hungry?" And if the answer is yes, I continue and try not to judge myself by the quantity.

Similarly, I find myself late at night wandering through the kitchen taking a mental checklist of everything I ate during the day and making a judgement in if I deserve a late night snack.  Even though I have hunger pangs, do I deserve to have something if I "ate like a pig" during the day.  And I work hard at telling myself that I honor my hunger.

Before working on intuitive eating, I had no idea what hunger felt like anymore.  I ate when it was time to eat and stopped when the food was gone.  And that was the normal way to eat.  The binging was something different. I knew it was different but I didn't know what to call it.  Now I know the signals of hunger. When I have the option at work, I will take my lunch at either noon or one, depending on my cues.  Stopping when I am satisfied is still a problem and we've talked about strategies to relearn that skill.

But as far as binging goes, particularly the late night snacking,I have noticed that one granola bar will do. Not the whole box.  One banana will do, not a banana and half a box of cereal [cause the banana made it healthy ;^)  ] One "popperful" of popcorn will do. Not popcorn plus the granola bars plus the cereal and banana.

I did have a binge last Saturday. I struggled then and still do to get to root of why. I am guessing stress.  I had that daze, the feeling that I couldn't stop myself.  The amount wasn't too great, but the calories were shameful (in my disordered thoughts!). It ended when I said to myself "ride it out. it will eventually end" and you know what? after that bowl of mac and cheese I was preparing when I made that decision, that was the end of the binge.  I don't know if that was a good strategy or not, but it worked.

I still struggle, M, everyday with my size. The thought that I may always be this size is so disheartening. It keeps me from doing the things I want to do. Run. Tie my shoes. Sleep on my stomach. Wear normal and cheaper clothes.  Be photographed for a male model calendar. Ride a pony. Not break chairs. I struggle everyday to not hate myself.  And I struggle everyday to keep weightloss thoughts at bay.  I know that until I can, I won't fully overcome this disorder.  But it breaks my heart.

I am tired of my comfort foods. But pasta is cheap and nearly everything I know how to make is pasta based. I know that pasta is not evil or outlawed or "bad"...but eating similar foods day in and day out cannot be healthy. I can't be getting all my nutrients from some combination of noodle and tomato juice based sauce or Cream of X soup with a meat of some kind.  I don't know if your program will ever move into specific nutritional education but I could really use some variety.

The Jogging Clydesdale